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The Individualist's Journal
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Date:2010-05-29 03:41


A lot of people take a photo of themselves. Taking a pose, pausing the moment. They never take pictures all around them. So when they snap the picture and stare at their reflection, i wonder whats floating through the mind. Maybe they are fascinated with themselves and just can't say it. Photo of beauty. Confidence & power, just around the corner. Enlightenment from within, reflecting outward. Acceptance growing taller, through the moments exploring.

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Date:2006-10-22 11:48
Subject:Somewhere to belong

Most of my life, I have felt like I never belonged anywhere. The closest thing to where I belong is among actors. I would say dancers too, but I don't have a personality of a dancer (though I certainly can dance well). I have always felt conflicted in my life with identies. Most of the time, I'm impartial or undecided when it comes to things like religion (unitarian universalism) and politics (a centrist). However, despite where I'm placed with my fellow human beings, I'm certain of a couple things.

1. That my goal in life is to entertain people. I have never been knocked for entertaining the masses, for my talent, and my creativity. That's probably why I still want to become a famous entertainer some day.

2. I may not agree with other people's views on a personal level, but I respect people for having a different view than mine. It makes the world interesting, and less boring.

3. Along the lines of number two, anyone with a borg wannabe mentality sucks. I like people being themselves. The world would be boring if everyone acted, behaved, and believed the same.

4. I don't belong to any groups, clinches, and organizations. I prefer to be independent, and work alone on wanting to achieve things. The only expception I make is, again, the entertainment world. But everything else...no way.

Recently, I had learned I have two dominant personalities by taking a personality test called "The Color Code". I am a blue-white personality. For more information, visit my blog Two personalities...wha wha on my journal and feel free to check out my profile.

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Date:2006-08-30 18:56
Subject:Hester Prynne

This is really random, but Hester Prynne is definately a four (from Scarlet Letter.)

Hester’s behavior is premised on her desire to determine her own identity rather than to allow others to determine it for her. To her, running away or removing the letter would be an acknowledgment of society’s power over her: she would be admitting that the letter is a mark of shame and something from which she desires to escape. Instead, Hester stays, refiguring the scarlet letter as a symbol of her own experiences and character. Her past sin is a part of who she is; to pretend that it never happened would mean denying a part of herself. Thus, Hester very determinedly integrates her sin into her life.

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Date:2006-08-27 22:53
Subject:New member.

Hi. While going through another one of my retreating into myself/introspective/depressive times, I finally took what appeared to be a pretty comprehensive enneagram test and have found out that I am a type four. I am amazed how much of the baffling and frustrating things about myself this newly found information explains. I was wondering if anyone could recommend any good and helpful books on enneagrams as I am pretty new to the whole concept.

Thanks for all your help. :)

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Date:2006-06-07 11:19

How... interesting. We've taken the test i question, which defined us as a 4w5. Pretty much what we expected, but there is so much more to the full potential of a type four let loose to rage free in it's imagination. There as so many limits to human society, which can be surpassed by a mind set free from reality.
Once the initial shock of realizing the nature of things has passed, one can use this horrific wisdom to accomplish much. In both reality and imagination.

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Date:2006-05-21 10:37

Why is there such vitriol aimed at the introvert? In this world extroverts are normal introverts abnorml. We are described in negatives. We are wary and not to be trusted. We lack self confidence and are at the same time self absorbed. Even the T4 community description list introvert right in-between self absorbed and moody. We are deficient, diffident, disposed to avoid people, in other words, different. There lies the crux.

Extroverts are described as outgoing, socially confident. Many of them are. And many of them are shallow or desperate, constantly seeking attention the fill the gaping hole inside. I am no longer shy, but I will never be an extrovert. The glad handing, back slapping, life of the party. I will never cry “Look at me!” in a frantic attempt to get the acknowledgement of strangers. I don’t need it. I don’t feel empty without it. I could, however, do without the suspicion.

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Date:2006-05-17 02:21

Why do we feel so different? Why do we feel like we don't belong? What separates us from the masses?

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Date:2006-05-11 22:35
Subject:Movie Recommendation

One character in particular is very Type 4ish in personality. In fact the storyline is too...

I just saw it tonight although I've long wanted to see what it's about. It's rather good, full of suspense...and intense.

Wicker Park

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Date:2006-05-09 22:04
Mood: contemplative

Would you say that Type 4s are more likely to be limerant...extremely so to the point of feeling insane or totally obsessed?

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Date:2006-04-27 22:09
Subject:i love this poem

Having it Out with Melancholy
by Jane Kenyon


When I was born, you waited
behind a pile of linen in the nursery,
and when we were alone, you lay down
on top of me, pressing
the bile of desolation into every pore.

And from that day on
everything under the sun and moon
made me sad -- even the yellow
wooden beads that slid and spun
along a spindle on my crib.

You taught me to exist without gratitude.
You ruined my manners toward God:
"We're here simply to wait for death;
the pleasures of earth are overrated."

I only appeared to belong to my mother,
to live among blocks and cotton undershirts
with snaps; among red tin lunch boxes
and report cards in ugly brown slipcases.
I was already yours -- the anti-urge,
the mutilator of souls.


Elavil, Ludiomil, Doxepin,
Norpramin, Prozac, Lithium, Xanax,
Wellbutrin, Parnate, Nardil, Zoloft.
The coated ones smell sweet or have
no smell; the powdery ones smell
like the chemistry lab at school
that made me hold my breath.


You wouldn't be so depressed
if you really believed in God.


Often I go to bed as soon after dinner
as seems adult
(I mean I try to wait for dark)
in order to push away
from the massive pain in sleep's
frail wicker coracle.


Once, in my early thirties, I saw
that I was a speck of light in the great
river of light that undulates through time.

I was floating with the whole
human family. We were all colors -- those
who are living now, those who have died,
those who are not yet born. For a few

moments I floated, completely calm,
and I no longer hated having to exist.

Like a crow who smells hot blood
you came flying to pull me out
of the glowing stream.
"I'll hold you up. I never let my dear
ones drown!" After that, I wept for days.


The dog searches until he finds me
upstairs, lies down with a clatter
of elbows, puts his head on my foot.

Sometimes the sound of his breathing
saves my life -- in and out, in
and out; a pause, a long sigh. . . .


A piece of burned meat
wears my clothes, speaks
in my voice, dispatches obligations
haltingly, or not at all.
It is tired of trying
to be stouthearted, tired
beyond measure.

We move on to the monoamine
oxidase inhibitors. Day and night
I feel as if I had drunk six cups
of coffee, but the pain stops
abruptly. With the wonder
and bitterness of someone pardoned
for a crime she did not commit
I come back to marriage and friends,
to pink fringed hollyhocks; come back
to my desk, books, and chair.


Pharmaceutical wonders are at work
but I believe only in this moment
of well-being. Unholy ghost,
you are certain to come again.

Coarse, mean, you'll put your feet
on the coffee table, lean back,
and turn me into someone who can't
take the trouble to speak; someone
who can't sleep, or who does nothing
but sleep; can't read, or call
for an appointment for help.

There is nothing I can do
against your coming.
When I awake, I am still with thee.


High on Nardil and June light
I wake at four,
waiting greedily for the first
note of the wood thrush. Easeful air
presses through the screen
with the wild, complex song
of the bird, and I am overcome

by ordinary contentment.
What hurt me so terribly
all my life until this moment?
How I love the small, swiftly
beating heart of the bird
singing in the great maples;
its bright, unequivocal eye.

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Date:2006-03-19 00:22
Mood: peaceful

So many questions in personality tests are borderline for me. Sometimes I lean one way, others another. Yet I always turn up I---. Thinker, feeler, creator, I am always classified as someone who finds her own company more amusing than that of random strangers, and even of close friends.
I was taught that there is something wrong with this. That to find the worlds in my head more interesting than the inanity I was faced with daily was selfish and self absorbed. That daydreaming was irresponsible and I must focus on life here, in this world.
And so I did, only to discover that without dreams this world is a stagnant place. A rancid bayou of people choking on the fumes of their dying desires. It is in the world that I have found freedon, born of desperation, to be myself.

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Date:2006-02-24 21:34
Subject:Very many questions
Mood: curious

Self-administered tests always carry the possibility of a person choosing what they want to be rather than what they are.

Do you think that people fake being a type four?

Say, people who want to be artists, or simply perhaps adolescents going through a rough time and therefore relating with the “withdrawn” and “sensitive” parts of the Individualist. Some might think it’s a kind of “cool” or “rebellious” type of person to be, the tortured artist, the misunderstood.

And here’s perhaps a misguided thought. If people do in fact “fake it”, would the desire to be a type four be enough to constitute it? I mean, if a person truly wants to be “unique” then they may adopt the characteristics. But conforming to certain characteristics would contradict the very meaning of individualism!

I ask because I have observed a fair few people in my life who have tried very hard to be “weird” “unique” and “individualistic” and have pointed out how very “weird” “unique” and “individualistic” they are.. constantly.. to a suspicious and nauseating extent.

I ask also because I have always avoided mainstream culture, but never with the clear understanding of why. Since I recently began work in a rather corporate environment, I found myself questioning why it makes me feel so uncomfortable. There is a strong adversion I guess because the thought of being like everyone else disturbs and unnerves me. But then, how am I different from people who go out of their way to be "different"?

Any thoughts?

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Date:2006-02-18 17:19
Subject:2 question Enneagram test

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Date:2006-01-17 07:25

Someone turned me on to the enneagram in high school, and I fell in love with the theory because - unlike so many others - true recognition of your type doesn't inspire pride as much as unease. The more uncomfortable/slightly embarrassed I got reading about the 4, the more certain I was that I'd found my type. That may be because of the shame inherent in our type, but I maintain that no matter WHICH type you are, you probably aren't bouncing around squealing, "ISN'T IT GREAT THAT I'M LIKE THIS?" when you get your first in depth analysis.

Anyway, since I've learned about it, I haven't been able to stop myself from mentally categorizing each person I know in (what I'd like to think of as) an honest effort to understand them better. In some cases, it's helped. In others, it railroaded into total and probably unfair fatalism:
"well, he's a 9, I know what that means. I may as well stop trying right now, etc."

I have a question for other 4's, since ya'll have BEEN THERE and DONE THAT, and I'm perpetually being there/doing that. Have any of you had the push/pull problem in relationships, where whatever is distant and unattainable is desirable - but once attained, you completely reject? I've been through this countless times, have hurt too many people, and frustrated myself more than anyone else, I'm sure. Is self esteem at the root of the problem here?

also, is there any correlation between which types you're attracted to when you're healthy vs. types you're attracted to when you are unhealthy?

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Date:2006-01-06 14:20
Subject:Flaubert's grasp of 4ishness

x-posted to type4s

Most descriptions of 4s describe us as having been emotionally damaged in some serious way as children. But I wasn't. No, really. I had a ridiculously placid childhood, with attentive parents, a nice neighborhood, a supportive extended family, and plenty of friends. I know--don't throw up yet.

So, I started reading Madame Bovary yesterday, perhaps the most 4ish book ever written, and I came across this passage that put it all in perspective:

Accustomed to peaceful sights, she was drawn to scenes of contrast and unrest. She liked the sea only because of its forms, and verdure only when it was scattered among ruins. She had to be able to extract some sort of personal benefit from things, and she rejected as useless anything which did not contribute to the immediate gratification of her heart, for her temperament was more sentimental than artistic and she sought emotion, not landscapes.

There are several paragraphs that follow this one, from Part I, Chapter 6, which continue to adeptly (I think) described the nature of a 4. (Though not in a particularly flattering way, I should add).

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Date:2005-12-05 09:09

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join the__abyss

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Date:2005-08-21 03:03
Subject:Can you describe what its like?

Hello Everyone, I just recently found this site and recently found out that I was a TypeFour, can anyone describe to me in a few words what its like to be a Typefour... and do you see your personality type as a guide or an exact match of who you are?

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Date:2005-05-27 20:57

I've started a community. I hope it's okay to post this here.


I'd love to hear from all of you...
I'm sorry that I haven't said much about myself....

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Date:2005-05-25 00:00

I was wondering if any of you have ever had any experience with hallucinating. They now occur often with me, and after some reading I discovered that hallucinations are commonly found in fours with lower levels of health. For me, they're nothing that would be out of the ordinary - no monsters, no creatures, nothing at all cinematic. Basically, I just see things that aren't actually there. Have any of you ever had a similar experience? Other than the obvious improving of my level of health, do any of you know a way to at least reduce these images (focus techniques, etc.)?

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Date:2005-05-24 19:42

Hello. I'm Daewen. Please feel free to contact me through my live journal if you want to talk...or if you just want to say "hello"

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my journal